Merlot, Syrah, or Shiraz. If you don't recognize one of these three words, slap yourself, sit your ass down, and read this blog.
If you know me like Raye and Dev know me, then you know that I can’t go a week without a glass of wine. Better yet, a few days. If I was stranded on a desert island, and I could bring 3 things with me, they’d consist of – 1. A knife 2. Matches 3. A case of Zolo Torrontes (Argentina) or a case of Santa Ema Reserve Merlot… depending on the climate y’all.
Let’s set the record straight. You can get messed up on HALF a bottle of wine (Average price - $8.00) versus buying a whole bottle of vodka (Average price $15.00, or your liquor of choice –All decent labels, over $10.00). Point blank – wine is for the classy, the beautiful, and the young at heart -with a budget I might add. There is nothing sexier than a sophisticated glass of wine. And everyone wants to be sexy.
Quick overview. There are two types of wine. White Wine and Red Wine. WHITE means- a Sauvignon Blanc, a Chardonnay, a Riesling. On the other hand, RED –a Merlot, Syrah, or Shiraz. People then graduate to a Pinot Noir. And from there they might go into things like a Cabernet Sauvignon. But I digress.
Wine gets its flavor from three different places: the grape itself, the climate where the grapes are grown and the winemaking process – we call this fermentation. If you buy a white wine – store it at 55 degrees. Red wine should be stored at room temperature. Either way, you want to keep the bottle lying on its side, not upright.
One major thing – don’t ever drink wine in a cup. It’s not gonna smell right, and it’s not gonna taste right. Go to target and buy a smaller, tighter glass for white wine, and a fatter glass for red wine. Yes, there is a difference.
Do these steps and you’ll be set for life. Spin the wine around in the glass. You want to look at the legs. Yes, “LEGS.” The legs should slide quickly on the glass, because alcohol moves fast on glass. People spin the wine around and watch the legs drop. They should be an inch long, and there should be about a dozen or so. This is going to show you the alcohol read. If there is not enough alcohol, it is going to taste flat. And we all know Hilary likes her some legs.
Then, you want to taste it and test it. Make sure it does not taste moldy. Remember—LEGS.
For the men reading this blog, you’re probably looking for a deeper, richer style of wine that gets the job done – if these bottles are in your kitchen, trust me, the panties are dropping. Try some Pinot Gris from Alsace or Oregon. A viscous, smooth Aussie Semillon might also work. For a crisper, lighter alternative, aromatic Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand, the Loire, or certain California wineries might fit the bill. Can’t decide? Chenin Blanc is just the thing – it can have good acidity, but a rounder texture than Sauvignon Blanc.
The downfall? For the PLAYAS - Beringer White Zinfandel (medium-dry, aromas 
of peach and apricot). Yes, you low lifes can get it at Wal Mart before you roll to old girl’s crib. For the Missouri idiots checkin this out – cop it at bregulla for $5 with your club card. Great for a cheap romantic night alongside some pizza and a movie. True aphrodisiac.
If this blog is starting to bore you, just do me a favor. If you’re at a restaurant – shock your guests, turn on your date, impress the waiter: when prompted, order a glass of “the House Pinot Gris” ( The “S” is silent, screw that up, and slap yourself one more time) .
Better yet, do me the due diligence -- Go to your local grocery store or wine store. Brisk past the boxes of Franzia, the $2 bottles of Andre, and even the oh so tempting $6 bottles of Yellow Tail (such a low class brand of wine that I could hardly build up the humility to type on this intro). Start up your beginner’s palette by going straight to the Chardonnay aisle and pick up a bottle of Robert Mondavi Napa Valley Chardonnay (preffered year, 2005). Yes, what you see on the label is correct. $17.99. But please don’t hesistate. Buy some chex mix or similar brand to help roughen your tongue and try one glass of this, and come back to this blog. And give me your comments.
After this, if you haven’t a) impressed your friends at a restaurant or house party, b) gotten a man/woman to cuddle up with you after 2 measly glasses, or c) this wasn’t the wine you chose for your guests by the time of your wedding, then I haven’t don't my job.
In the meantime ima enjoy this weekend with the girls and pray to God that my stress levels will decrease. It's the worst feeling ever. You know what would make my week end so much better??? My Colts beating the Vikings this week. ;-) If we start the season off 0-2............
While I am clueless and feel like i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, there are a few things that I know for sure:
