The Vagina Monologues

Is that T.J. Houshmandzadeh of the Cincinnati Bengals? Or perhaps it's Troy Polamalu of the Pittsburgh Steelers?

"One of these things is not like the other..."

Take a closer look, and you'll notice that the creature with the purple pants and the long hair has breasts. Yes; breasts. Those are indeed females.........playin' football........professionally.

Who'da thunk it?!?!?!

Yes, in the year 2000, The Independent Women's Football League (IWFL), a 501(c)(6) non-profit corporation was formed in the Great State of Texas (Go Cowboys). The IWFL is "a full tackle women's football league focused on creating a positive, safe and fun environment for the women who play the game and fans that come out to watch them."

When I was a young child, a diehard Cowboys fan and a tomboy, I had a deep desire to play professional football so that I could contribute to my team's success. Then I grew up.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for that Title IX and women can do what men can do feminist tip, but let's be real...there are only 2 things that turn me on more than watchin a good ass game of football (played by MEN).

However, the rules are a bit different, and they get paid a hellofa lot less:
16 cash prizes totaling $13,500 are available for things like number of TDs, rec's, rushing, sacks allowed, and QB accuracy for offense and INTs, sacks, and tackles for defense. Also, special teams can get money for extra point and FG accuracy. This evens out to about....$1000 a pop...which is wiggity whack.

If it's 2008 and women are allowed to play football professionally, who knows where we'll be in 2025....Monica Lewinsky might be president! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

BA-L-ACK OBAMA

ride home from topeka

8:45 pm. cumulus clouds... 84 degrees... a long highway heading nowhere.
two lonely cars leave me over the hill. i'm alone.




the sunset, slowly and sweetly stinging my eyes... God painting ultraviolet brushstrokes in the sky. a rare time in my life i spotted His true beauty right in front of me... and stopped everything negative in my life that would prevent me from encapsulating this moment.

as i stretched my arms towards the sky like the blades of tall grass on either side of me the last ray of sun beat in between my shoulders, and again and again I could hear his rhythm in my thoughts... those words i had been waiting to hear.. longing to hear since... well since.. 3/16/06. the rhythm of the words to cover up the neverending drumbeat that rang in my head... the feeling of unworthiness. evaporates. sweet on my mind.

funny how every success, every dollar, every new friend can never exact the validation from another man. but sad how easy women become non-clairvoyant and in love, making the coochie easy and reality unimaginable and impenetrable. it is only when we understand God's beauty that we as woman can understand our own, and respect ourselves, our bodies, our lives.. without waiting for someone else who will.

9:30pm. Left to drown in the grey blacks of the skyline, I see my exit. And forever ... I let go.

HS.

Hello...Who Am I??

BACK! It's Raye in the building. I don't really know how this blog thing is gonna work, honestly. Obviously we haven't gotten the hang of it yet, but trust me....we will......someday.....i think.

So I guess I'll open up on this blog and give you an update on my life, since its been since beginning of summer when we started this thing, and you've learned NOTHING about me. As most of you know, I moved here to Charlotte a yr. ago in October. I started a job that I wasn't sure I wanted, but it was the fastest and best way (at the time) for me to hurry up and move out of Anderson, Indiana (if you've been there before, you can understand why) to Charlotte where I so desperately wanted to be. Anywho, I moved here, starting a TOTALLY different life that I had never experienced before. For once in my life, I had weekends free, was working a corporate job, and had steady money in the pocket. For those of you that know me....money in my pocket on a weekly basis is good, because LAWD knows I'm cheap. I call it frugal, my friends call it cheap. LOL. Call it what you like, I just don't like to spend money. Point. Bland. Period. Anyway, looooong story short, I quit my job last week and....................no I don't have another job lined up. That seems to be every ones next question when I tell them that I'm happily unemployed. NO PEOPLE! I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE! I'm a loser....thanks and have a nice day. I mean, I guess I'm like some other 23 yr olds who are still trying to figure out exactly what they wanna do in life. Thing is, I'm a person that operates on plans, structure, and schedules. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I do know 1 thang: this uncertainty point in my life, which is how i felt this time last year, is an uncomfortable place for me to be.

While I am clueless and feel like i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, there are a few things that I know for sure:

• I absolutely canNOT move back to Indiana
• I canNOT move back to Indiana
• I will NOT move back to Indiana
• I will get my MBA

Things that I'm still trying to figure out:

• Do I want another corporate job before I go back to school?
• Do I want to do something with tennis (which I desperately miss) ?
• Do I still want to live in Charlotte?
• Where do I want to live?
• What do I want to do?
• Am I normal????????????????????????????????

As you can see, I'm scatterbrained beyond belief. I change my mind about things every other day. I keep telling myself that I'm gonna be ok, and that one day in about 50 yrs. I'm gonna be explaining all this to my children and letting them know that it's ok, just like my parents are doing. I'm glad that I'm done with my last job though. It was my first dip into the corporate working world, and you bessssss believe it was a complete eye opener. I don't know if that corporate bs is for me or not, but what I do know is that some of what I experienced (I'll save that for another blog) is just a dosage of what the real world will be like from here on out. Watch out!!!!!

My mom, 2 nephews and little sister (my dog Destinee Raye....first name Destinee; Middle name Raye....She's a diva) are here this weekend. My nephews really let me know how immature I am as I consistantly seem to get everything they're saying and relate to everything they do. Lol. They're 13 and 14 and still somehow seem to reel me into petty arguments with them as if i'm their younger sister. They still call me Aunt Ashlee, though, whether I act like it or not.

So here I am, sitting on my ass in my apt, writing this blog, and thinking about how I'm gonna get a good workout in today to keep my overeating ass from getting fat. For those who know me, it's definitely possible, seeing as how I eat like a 300 lb. man at times. God bless the man who decides to marry me. I have no clue what the next step is in my life, but as my parents have reassured me, it's ok. I'm 23 and I have the whole world in front of me...YA DIG!

OHHHH, and one more thing, the BOLDNESS blog that I wrote back at the beginning of the summer.....it works! Lol. No really....it works. I think it may have worked for me, but again, that too may have to be saved for a later blog! I mean who could actually put up with me anyway?? Exactly, same thing my mom says. Lol.

Aight ya'll. Until next time.......
-Raye

Tonight, the stooges took part in a skype discussion that revolved around a certain caucasion's facebook page. Her About Me Read:

Simple joys of my life: Spending a hot summer day by the pool with a tall rum and diet. Driving with the windows down. Popcorn while watching a movie. Laying in the grass watching the clouds float by. Playing basketball with Dad and brothers at home. BUBBLE BATHS! Sharing a bottle of wine with a friend. Hot Chocolate during cold football games. Looking through old family photo albums. Baking cookies with my MOM. Snuggles during a thunderstorm. Waking up to the smell of breakfast first thing in the morning. Spending time doing nothing important with girlfriends. Reading a great book while sitting on the porch. Running outside in a light rain.


Here's OUR Version:

Stooges Simple joys of my life: spending a hot summer day inside with the AC on with a fat ass glass of Patron. Driving while giving head with the windows tinted. Getting head while watching a movie. Then popcorn. after the head. Layin in the grass… while getting head. Having sex in the living room... with dad and brothers at home. SHOWER CAPS, HEAD WRAPS, and DOO RAGS. Having a bottle of wine (sans Araye). Vodka redbulls in flasks during football games. Clownin n** on facebook. EATIN. Having sex ...during a thunderstorm. Waking up up to the smell of breakfast first thing in the morning. Kickin it. Don’t Read. Runnin inside. From the rain.

The other two stooges knew this blog was coming… 'twas just a matter of time.

Merlot, Syrah, or Shiraz. If you don't recognize one of these three words, slap yourself, sit your ass down, and read this blog.

If you know me like Raye and Dev know me, then you know that I can’t go a week without a glass of wine. Better yet, a few days. If I was stranded on a desert island, and I could bring 3 things with me, they’d consist of – 1. A knife 2. Matches 3. A case of Zolo Torrontes (Argentina) or a case of Santa Ema Reserve Merlot… depending on the climate y’all.

Let’s set the record straight. You can get messed up on HALF a bottle of wine (Average price - $8.00) versus buying a whole bottle of vodka (Average price $15.00, or your liquor of choice –All decent labels, over $10.00). Point blank – wine is for the classy, the beautiful, and the young at heart -with a budget I might add. There is nothing sexier than a sophisticated glass of wine. And everyone wants to be sexy.

Quick overview. There are two types of wine. White Wine and Red Wine. WHITE means- a Sauvignon Blanc, a Chardonnay, a Riesling. On the other hand, RED –a Merlot, Syrah, or Shiraz. People then graduate to a Pinot Noir. And from there they might go into things like a Cabernet Sauvignon. But I digress.

Wine gets its flavor from three different places: the grape itself, the climate where the grapes are grown and the winemaking process – we call this fermentation. If you buy a white wine – store it at 55 degrees. Red wine should be stored at room temperature. Either way, you want to keep the bottle lying on its side, not upright.

One major thing – don’t ever drink wine in a cup. It’s not gonna smell right, and it’s not gonna taste right. Go to target and buy a smaller, tighter glass for white wine, and a fatter glass for red wine. Yes, there is a difference.

Do these steps and you’ll be set for life. Spin the wine around in the glass. You want to look at the legs. Yes, “LEGS.” The legs should slide quickly on the glass, because alcohol moves fast on glass. People spin the wine around and watch the legs drop. They should be an inch long, and there should be about a dozen or so. This is going to show you the alcohol read. If there is not enough alcohol, it is going to taste flat. And we all know Hilary likes her some legs.

Then, you want to taste it and test it. Make sure it does not taste moldy. Remember—LEGS.

For the men reading this blog, you’re probably looking for a deeper, richer style of wine that gets the job done – if these bottles are in your kitchen, trust me, the panties are dropping. Try some Pinot Gris from Alsace or Oregon. A viscous, smooth Aussie Semillon might also work. For a crisper, lighter alternative, aromatic Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand, the Loire, or certain California wineries might fit the bill. Can’t decide? Chenin Blanc is just the thing – it can have good acidity, but a rounder texture than Sauvignon Blanc.

The downfall? For the PLAYAS - Beringer White Zinfandel (medium-dry, aromas of peach and apricot). Yes, you low lifes can get it at Wal Mart before you roll to old girl’s crib. For the Missouri idiots checkin this out – cop it at bregulla for $5 with your club card. Great for a cheap romantic night alongside some pizza and a movie. True aphrodisiac.

If this blog is starting to bore you, just do me a favor. If you’re at a restaurant – shock your guests, turn on your date, impress the waiter: when prompted, order a glass of “the House Pinot Gris” ( The “S” is silent, screw that up, and slap yourself one more time) .

Better yet, do me the due diligence -- Go to your local grocery store or wine store. Brisk past the boxes of Franzia, the $2 bottles of Andre, and even the oh so tempting $6 bottles of Yellow Tail (such a low class brand of wine that I could hardly build up the humility to type on this intro). Start up your beginner’s palette by going straight to the Chardonnay aisle and pick up a bottle of Robert Mondavi Napa Valley Chardonnay (preffered year, 2005). Yes, what you see on the label is correct. $17.99. But please don’t hesistate. Buy some chex mix or similar brand to help roughen your tongue and try one glass of this, and come back to this blog. And give me your comments.

After this, if you haven’t a) impressed your friends at a restaurant or house party, b) gotten a man/woman to cuddle up with you after 2 measly glasses, or c) this wasn’t the wine you chose for your guests by the time of your wedding, then I haven’t don't my job.

Quote of the Day: Empowerment

"You're time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma--which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." --S.J.


~Dev